A 2021 Doctor’s Pocket Guide for Finding Focus and Pursuing Purpose

Date posted:
Mon 18 January 2021

Happy “Blue Monday” to you — statistically our saddest day of the year. I hope we can inject some variety into an otherwise mundane and sterile topic; clinical references intended.

We’re now a few weeks on from Christmas and our tasks for the year ahead are already beginning to stack up. I’m sure you’re already starting to feel your cortisol levels sneak up on you (and that’s not necessarily a bad thing). Press coverage on Covid has been relentless over the past 12 months and, coupled with my previous discussions on this topic, we’re thankfully going to steer clear of it in this read.

But don’t worry…

This is just the beginning of an upcoming series, determined on bringing you clinically tried-and-tested ways to get through the demands of everyday living. This is by no means going to be easy. But together, we can navigate the rockiest of shorelines.

If we haven’t met already, my name is Ed. I’m a full-time Doctor working in multiple capacities (including working on the dreaded “C-word” wards) and run a Health-Tech start-up called LYFE.

Now, I’m not entirely sure how this happened, but how did everyone who has a left foot become a mental health Guru and wellbeing expert in 2020? Jack down the road was advising me how I needed to start “thinking more positively” and Gill was telling me how positive thoughts are “okay” but only on Wednesdays.

Great. Well, thanks, I guess? But what on earth should I do? Are my thoughts normal?

“Life is unbelievably difficult… but that doesn’t mean we can’t still experience joy”

At the start of December, I spoke to a pleasant gentleman (let’s call him Walter for confidentiality reasons, because who doesn’t love a Breaking Bad reference), in a telephone consultation. Walter was deeply struggling to cope in his life and had been for a considerable amount of time.

He worked two jobs—often within the same day, racking up 18-hour days on zero-hour contracts—just to make ends meet. One job as a cleaner, the other as a carer. Six days a week. His wife had unfortunately been furloughed 5 months ago, his brother died earlier in the year and his young, teenage daughter had recently started to date and was rebelling, having just discovered drugs and alcohol.

Walter was on track to qualify as a nurse next year but had to drop out of his studies due to financial pressures and time constraints. He described his family dynamic as “hell”. Over the past 5 years, Walter received private counselling for his extensive and complex PTSD history, but unfortunately could no longer afford to continue with his own sessions as he was now paying for his daughter to attend her own private counselling because she didn’t quite hit the NHS “criteria”.

Walter had aggressive suicidal thoughts. Multiple times. Every day. For two months. He scored as highly (badly) as you can on depression and anxiety scores.

Walter disguised his thoughts from his family. He hadn’t spoken to anyone. Reassuringly, however, he was managing to keep himself safe.

Walter’s type of situation is not uncommon and I hope that you can relate to this story in some way, even if you are struggling in any given capacity.

The truth is, like Walter, we all have demands from our everyday lives. We all have a unique blend of stressors, strains and setbacks. Life is unbelievably difficult and we must spend time navigating our problems.

The next time you see a quote online that says something like “don’t worry, everything will work out okay”, ignore it.

One of the first things they teach in medical training is to never lie. Never say something that isn’t true. The statement above is simply false. Reprehensibly false.

Life will always remain difficult. But that doesn’t mean that we cannot still experience joy in life. To say that “everything will be okay”? That is a dangerous presupposition. We are all in charge of our own lives and we must take action to affect change. Whether that’s talking to a friend or seeking professional help. Please remain extremely mindful and careful of what you expect and want from life.

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering”

- F. Nietzsche

So, what happened in Walter’s case?

Well, I listened.

Remember, therapy is not about advice, per se. Any psychologist/psychiatrist worth their own salt will know that fact through a mere cursory glance over the basic principles of psychotherapy.

Rather, therapy is listening. Therapy is a genuine conversation.

Walter and I spoke over a number of sessions, around half an hour each. Mostly him talking, and me listening. We worked together on the simplest of plans, which, on the surface, appear trivial.

By talking it out, Walter understood more deeply where he could make changes to his life, and we started there. We initially created a list of three things that Walter could feasibly do, and must do, every day. This helped create a routine that would help him to slowly put the pieces of his own puzzle back together.

(If you’d like to delve into this further, this is called the “Outside-In Approach”).

In week two, we added three more things to that list.

In week three, we added another three.

By week four, Walter had created a routine that not only fitted into his life, but also allowed him to begin addressing some of the issues mentioned above. He was creating order out of his living “hell”.

Walter had found things that he could focus on, and he was once again on track to start pursuing his purpose in life (becoming a nurse and enjoyably raising his family). He realised the importance of communicating with his loved ones and had even started enjoying little aspects of his life once more.

Walter began to understand that life is so much more than just “seeking the highs”. He began to see that life is also about embracing the lows and knowing that these lows are normal. Knowing that these lows are important. Knowing that they provide a vital reference point on which to reflect, learn and, more importantly, grow.

Walter learnt one of the most important lessons in his life.

He learnt the importance that suffering and privation have in his life and how to overcome these struggles through simple task formation. What I personally find truly fascinating, is that he worked all of this out by himself, simply because somebody took the time to listen to him.

Thankfully, some incredible philosophers, including the above quote by the revered Nietzsche, have spent their lives communicating these facts, and I can’t recommend their written works enough. (We’ve got the time now that we’re back in lockdown, so why not use this time to expand our emotional intelligence?)

In the final week, Walter cried down the phone to me: “I can start seeing some light at the end of the tunnel… I’m made up I called”. Battling a slight lump in my throat and a wavering voice, I thanked Walter for attending his follow ups and encouraged him to speak up as often as possible. We said goodbye and put down the phone. After a brief pause, I just smiled to myself alone in the consultation room. I needed to reflect for 5 minutes to digest what had just happened. I’m not articulate enough to convey the emotional satisfaction and happiness for Walter that engulfed me following that phone call. I temporarily welled-up in a flurry of contentment before thinking “get in there, Walt!”.

Walter cried down the phone to me: “I can start seeing some light at the end of the tunnel…”

Let me leave you with a few final thoughts.

Walter had started to turn his life around through the most rudimentary of things: simple conversations, creating a basic roadmap, and genuinely being heard.

In a world as fast-paced as ours, with all of the technology and convenience trends at hand, it is sometimes difficult to give people the time they need to be listened to. Time is our most limited, most precious resource. Give it generously.

I sincerely hope that you can take some learning points away from Walter and his story. It is impossible to overstate the critical importance of listening. And that includes listening to yourself, too, not just to others.

“Time is our most limited, most precious resource.”

So, listen to others. Listen to yourself. Work on the basics. Change your mindset from searching for the “highs” and understand that life comes with a great deal of lows and hardships too. Schedule things that you know will help you. Reflect on what is working and what isn’t. Discuss this with a friend, a loved one, or even your doctor.

If you get the basics right, you will find your focus. If you get the basics right, you will remain on your pursuit of purpose.

For yourself and for others:

Listen. Schedule. Reflect.

Repeat.

Oh, and one last thing. Remember the basics.

A bit about Ed:

Following the suicide of a colleague and experiencing a decline in his own psychological wellbeing (after being erroneously kicked out of University), Ed set out on his mission to get his life back on track. While looking for ways to stop his mental health from declining further, he found that quality, preventative information was somewhat hard to come by.

He eventually qualified as a Doctor, and set about to change the way society approaches mental health; thus being royally honoured as Young Entrepreneur of the Year in 2019. His goal was, and still is, to create a society that prioritises prevention above awareness or treatment, as the latter is often sought too late.

Now a Senior House Officer Doctor working on the Intensive Therapy Unit at Hospital and CEO of Sophron Health Limited (trading as LYFE), Ed is beginning to turn his own personal struggles into small, but positive, societal change.

A bit about LYFE:

LYFE is a wellbeing and health platform created to help make it easier for anyone to live their best life.

LYFE gives users a simple, structured way of thinking more deeply about their lives and what they need to be happy. It’s a complete ecosystem, designed to support and nourish all the key elements of a life well lived, educating, inspiring and equipping users, whilst connecting them to a community of like-minded people. You only get one life. LYFE helps make our daily activities mean something much more than just the sum of their parts.

No one can achieve their potential if they aren’t nourishing mind, body, and spirit in harmony. LYFE helps us bring all the ingredients of life into alignment, starting with our health.

IT’S YOUR LYFE. LIVE IT WELL.